The process, a Blog by Tammy

Part of the difficulty with this healing process is all the unknowns. The first difficulty comes with not having access to the memories until adulthood. I have spent a lot time doubting my own memories. Up through adulthood, I would have explained my life as strict, but pretty much a "leave it to Beaver" life. To wake up one day and begin having vivid flashbacks and memories of a different past was very difficult for me to accept. I internally scolded myself for dredging up such thoughts. I could not figure out why I would want to blow things out of proportion. I also was afraid to tell anyone what was going on inside of me. I didn't want to be categorized as some "drama" queen. Also, for a long time, I was very concerned about what my family would think and how they would respond to my bizarre remembering.

Every memory was foreign to me, although some of them seemed right or to make sense. I also felt incredibly guilty for remembering people in my life doing terrible things to me. I would cry out to Jesus asking Him why I was being such a bad person and having these memories. This is one of the times in this process that I felt very suicidal. It seemed it would be easier to just get out of this world, escape the memories, and escape feeling like I was a bad person. At that point, Hell itself felt like a better option than life on earth.

What I didn't know at the time, is that I was actually going to have to cycle through the whole "grief" process as I began to heal. Having the memories come forward was experiencing a"death" itself. I was finding out that my "ideal" life was dead. Now, I was at a crucial point, would I begin the process or would I just join death?

The first stage of the grief process is shock and denial. That was me, I was in total disbelief that what I was remembering was truly my life. I also didn't want to remember my life. I liked how my life was going and I didn't want all of this interruption. I felt I had made it this long without knowing, so why now?? It seemed the only thing my memories were accomplishing-- was messing up my current life. Plus, I'm the professional, "me", I'm the counselor, I'm the one helping others and now my life is falling apart in the middle of my profession.

The next stage is pain and guilt. As the memories began to flow, I had to see and feel emotionally and physically the memory all over again and multiple times. So, when I'm having a flashback about a moment of abuse, I was truly feeling it physically again. It is terrible! Thus another reason for not wanting to stick around on this earth. I kept thinking, "I have lived it once and now I get to experience it all over again and again, and again, and again." The memories don't come at "my timing", they come when they decide. It probably is something that triggers a memory, but it is so, so hard. I could be in Target and feel fine and then what seemed out of the blue I could go into a full panic attack mode and not be able to breath, feel as if I was about to pass out, and be at the extreme end of Fear.

Sometimes a memory would only express it self in the emotional and physical sense as described above about Target and would lack the images. Other times it would be the whole bag of goods. The other side is dealing with the guilt of feeling I have done terrible things wrong. I have always been of the mindset of waiting to have sex until I was married. Now, I'm finding out the sexual abuse I have experienced and seeing the images in my head all the time. I felt so wrong, so guilty, so dirty and so unworthy. For a long time I took the blame for those incidents, I could not place it on the perpetrator. First, I felt guilty for just having the memory. Then I felt guilty for having the memory about that person and feeling I was trying to make them a bad person and thus I began to feel like an outright "liar". I often felt guilty for being such a bad child and thus another reason to validate suicide. If I die, then my family, and the world could be rid of me, the "bad child".

It didn't matter that the abuse started as an infant in the crib, with my adult mind, I could not get in touch with the reality of how little I was. The phase went on for a long time as well as stage one in the grief process and brought about so much chaos and pain that I had to make a crucial decision to give up my counseling practice for a time.

Giving up my counseling profession was a huge blow in itself. No one said I had to, in fact, colleagues who I worked with and knew what I was dealing with, really didn't want me to take that step. I know they were afraid that without my daily work that I might actually take a plunge towards suicide. At the same time, I knew my past was interfering with my work. I could not longer give my clients 100% of me and I was having a few flashbacks during some sessions. At that very time, I was working with some clients who had experienced severe abuse as well.

It would prove to be some of my most difficult days after giving up my role as a counselor. Suicide would seem stronger and more of an option. I felt I had been stripped of everything good. I also felt like the biggest failure that had ever lived. Waking up day to day was my only success. It was an ego crusher as well, I had a great professional career and now I felt like a damaged, worthless, piece of nothing.

Phase three of grief is anger and bargaining. You have to understand that grief stages are not steps, they are interchangeable and many stages can function at the same time. My anger is high, and frankly I'm not totally through the anger part, its tough. At the beginning, my anger was strictly directed at myself and definitely at God. I was not far enough in the process to channel any anger at Satan himself, eventually I have come to that place, but it took a long time.

I yelled, kicked and screamed at God for choosing to put me in this place. I felt if He was truly the God of all things then He was doing a lousy job and possibly should be fired. How could He bring me to this place in my life and then allow all Hell break loose. How could He watch person after person abuse me, and How could He allow all this and still say He loves me, that was a JOKE!

I am finally at a point where I don't get mad at myself as often. I finally can distinguish that I was a child that deserved none of this. Honestly I still get mad at God at times, but not as much. More importantly I have began to channel my anger in the right directions at Satan and name him as the offender.


The next stage of grief is depression, reflection, and loneliness. Most certainly, I still operate in and out of this stage. Not by choice, it is simply part of the healing process, it is part of what must happen to get to the end. I like how one writer put this stage, she said that just about the time that your friends think you should be getting over things, then a sad reflection of what was, and the loss overtakes you. She says this is a normal stage of grief and not to let well wishers try to talk you out of this stage. If you don't finish this stage, mostly like you will just bury the emotions and go on, for only later to have it come up again.


At this stage their are really no appropriate words people can give you, but having a support system is vital. The majority of people don't know how to support, especially the Church. The problem with the church is they get so caught up in using all the cliches: "god is in control", "just pray", "it will be better", "you just have to trust him", "other people have it worst","just let it go", "read the bible" or then the inevitable fashion of quoting scripture. It isn't that any of this is wrong or bad--- it just doesn't help at that time and place. A person has to go through the grief stages with ANY kind of loss and if I or anyone else cling on to the "cliche" then we might not get through the healing process.


Often the church acts as if we are suppose to be on a higher ground and not prone to stages of grief, OR if we are prone, then it needs to go through a quick process, OR if it can't go through a quick process--- please just put a smile on your face and act as if it is gone. There comes a point where you can't fake it anymore. If you do continue to fake, then you will probably miss out on many of God's blessings or in my case, you come close to the door of suicide.


What blows me away about people not accepting other peoples stages of grief is that we see people in the bible living and walking through the stages of grief. Jesus himself went through the stages of grief before His death on the cross and he went through them more than once, I don't know that he went through them all, but He was sinless and perfect and even Jesus experienced the stages of grief.


In the garden we find him praying out to God in excruciating pain, sadness and sorrow. In Matthew 26:38 He crys out: "This sorrow is crushing my life out". Then He fell on his face and prayed, "My Father, if there is ANY way, get me out of this". Here we find him already experiencing maybe some denial and definite pain. He goes back out to check on the disciples and He shows anger and outrage to them, "Can't you stick it out with a single hour? and He even called them lazy. He went back to pray, "Father, if there is no other way (you hear the desire of bargaining) than this", "if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done". He was still obedient, but there is a reflection of reluctance.


He came back and found the disciples asleep again, this time he just let them sleep and went back to pray. When I read that, I relate that to the grief stage of depression, reflection, and loneliness.You begin to understand that no one truly knows how you feel, it seems that no one will truly chose to hang out with you and support you fully, it feels that your situation isn't really pressing or important to anyone else and that's when you truly see you are all alone, on your own, and everyone else is going to go on with life. This is a terrible and lonely feeling. So Jesus didn't even bother with them, he walked away and prayed again for the same things. It had to be so devastating and frustrating to know that the people He considered closest to him would not even be able to support him for one night, and His "last" night with them on earth.

As Jesus was carted off by the soldiers He seemed to get in a stage of acceptance, working through what was ahead, and gained some strength and hope back as he stood strong. But even for our perfect Jesus, that didn't last. On the cross He experienced these common, but deep emotions of pain, shock, and anger. He said, "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?" Oh, abandonment is such a deep, dark, pain ridden hole. I understand abandonment and it seems hopeless. I, too have cried over and over, "why God, why God have you abandonment me, why did you allow this to happen, why, why, why".


People can be very harsh and judgmental on the above and I don't understand why. I have been crucified by peoples words for moaning the whys, Yet, my Jesus did it. So if your reading this just out of interest, please allow yourself to get comfortable with people feeling that God has abandonend them. Instead of lecturing, question, or criticizing--- just love them and let them feel what they need to feel. Ask Jesus to help you gain that sensitivity so you can learn to minister and be there for others. If your reading this because you are going through your own journey--- then know its okay to ask Jesus why, and to cry out those deepest cries of abandonment, because my friend--- He definitely understands!


So right at the end, Jesus was still in the midst of the stages of grief. Jesus, God's son, who was perfect, who really understood this wasn't the end, but the beginning, and who really knew He would live again. Yet, he still experienced the deep human emotions and I am so thankful for Him giving us that example and showing us that perfection still comes with emotion.


My healing has modeled a lot of what I see in the bible with Jesus. I go in and out of the grief stages. One part of my past might completely go through all the stages and heal. There are some many parts of the abuse not healed and not all of it can be healed at once.

I have reached the stage of what some define as "reconstruction and working through" (they list it before the stage of acceptance). I have been there where I seem more functional and can see clearly and realistic ways to get through this and at times feel quite excited at seeing an end in sight. But because I'm dealing with so much sexual abuse and ritual abuse, things can quickly change and turn as I began to have a new memory or new situation to deal with. This is probably what makes it hard for people to continue to support. I think at times to the outside world it looks like your trying to purposely wallow in your own pain. Oh, the world doesn't know how badly you dream of the day where pain doesn't exist.


Triggers can also set things back. Triggers are anything that is most likely associated with the abuse and the trigger can be a noise, a smell, a touch, and it could be something you see or just sense. As far along as I am in my healing process, I still experience triggers. Just a couple of weeks ago I experienced a very traumatizing trigger. People coming up on me from anywhere without warning can send me into shock or a frozen fear state. One of my abusers use to do that to me when we were around family. I could be in a bedroom and he would appear from behind the door and silently laugh with an evilish grin. Obviously he was making sure his control was reinstated over and over. Therefore I can be jumpy or easily scared.

I was coming home in the afternoon a couple of weeks ago and was on the phone with my sister. My sister was already at home but she was still in the garage and I didn't know that. I pulled completely in the garage and was about to put the car in park when she tapped on my window. I went into full blood curdling screaming and could not stop and could not get focused on that it was just my sister. I could not move and continued to scream and cry. This particular incident had me in a startled mode the rest of the evening. It was like re-living the abuse from years ago but in modern day time. Of course my sister felt horrible and yet I was so distraught there was nothing I could do at the time to relieve her of the feelings she was having. Those triggers don't come on me as often or as strong as they once did, but I want people to understand that I still experience them at times and they can be debilitating.


One abuser did a great deal of tickling to tire me out . To this day, if you come up to tickle me, jab me, or any of the above, I am likely to react and slap the crap out of you. At this point in my life it is just an automatic reaction. I don't like tickling and I don't like to tickle others. Sometimes my triggers have obviously been from sight or sense. In the beginning days of this, I couldn't spend much time in a store. I experienced such panic attacks for no apparent reason that I could see, but they were so strong and shut me down--- all I knew is something in my sub or unconscious recognized something that became a reminder of the past. My home town is still very much of a trigger to me this very day. I still have little will power or desire to go there. That is where the ritual abuse occurred and I think there still isn't enough healing to deal with what went on in that town. Ritual abuse comes with so much unknown since we don't have a written record of curses and words spoken over me.


The last stage of the grief process is acceptance and hope. Hmmm! Acceptance??? Can't say I really have that one, can't say I honestly want to accept my past as of yet. I guess I have accepted small parts of it and I think that is the only possible way you can walk through this. Hope on the other hand, the majority of the time I truly maintain a lot of hope these days. God has personally given me a lot of promises and I see they can truly come true. Just being able to write on this blog is the evidence of God's promises and an increase of Hope!

People who have been abused or in abusive situations need your help and your patience. It will take a great deal of patience on your part as you support. But I truly believe in the end you will be blessed. Thank you, thank you, thank you to those few who have chosen to stick with me and fight it out with me. Those of you who couldn't, that's okay, but I pray you will be willing to try it with next person you know going through difficult times. Those of you who chose to oppose me, I pray one day your eyes will be opened and you will see.