Long before I remembered my past, I had counseled many victims. Counseling those who have suffered much abuse and been of victim of violence can be very challenging and frustrating. At times I wanted to yell-- "quit being a VICTIM!!!" Rising above those circumstances you were given, you were dealt, and often had no choice but allow is a very hard, long, bumpy journey. I have come to understand that during abuse there is a true brainwashing that "tags" the victim mentality deep in you brain and soul and there isn't a easy cure.
I don't believe anyone wants to be a victim but I do believe that victims are easy targets for abuse in all sorts of situations. The abusers and even the bully's see the signs and behaviors and know who to call on as their "victim". Unfortunately, the victim does not have the clarity to see the signs of the abuser---- until its too late.
There are three abuse incidents that I have always remembered and my family also knew about not long after they happened. These happened when I was a little older and were not repressed.
The first happened when I had a paper route. There was a neighborhood convenience store that I often went to on my route. A older man owned the store and was always giving me free items from the store. It wasn't a red flag for me, because I often had people give me tips(money) on my paper route. Then came the day that he had a plan and I came close to becoming his victim. For the first time, his back room door was open and I could see a bed in the room and thought nothing off it. On this day, he told me to get a free bag of chips, as I paid for my drink, He asked me to give grandpa a hug, as I did, he pulled me close and put his hand down my shirt and pants and began to rub. He probably didn't expect my reaction, since I was very shy, but I went into panic mode and fought him off dropping all the items and ran out of the store as fast as I could and hid. I sat sobbing and so frightened that he would follow me. Eventually, I pulled myself back together and finished my paper route. A few days later the store closed without warning and the man was gone and it was then when I shared with my parents what he had done. My parents felt bad, but didn't follow up with the police or anything-- our family doesn't like to stir up trouble and instead endures the circumstances.
Dating was never something I felt comfortable with in High School and didn't do a lot of it. In college though, I did go on quite a few dates with guys that I met at the Baptist Student Union. My naive self was convinced that it would be a safe place to meet only "good" guys. For the most part it was, but it only takes "one" to spoil it. I was surprised this guy would even notice me, not only was he cute, but he was a "jock" and a "main" athlete at the college. When he asked me out, I accepted. The evening was to consist of a movie and dinner. We had a nice dinner and then were off to the movie when I realized we were not driving the right direction. I began to ask questions and he said we had some time before the movie. He drove to a park and parked the car where there were no lights and locked the doors and began to force himself on me as I fought and started to cry asking to be taken home. He managed to force- open mouth kissing and put his hands in my pants-- it was so frightening. He was stronger and muscular and I was an averaged size girl and obviously he could have his way. Finally, he seemed to be mad, stopped, and took me home. Once again, it was sometime before I told my family, and sadly we chose to do nothing about it. My parents did not want to be seen as a family who caused problems.
The last incident would happen during my college years as well. A very prominent Ada business man old enough to be my dad, or maybe granddad would be the next to attempt to take advantage of me. He was very good at and I know he has done this to others, and I'm sure he has done worse to others. One of his ways was to stand beside you in a business situation when talking to others and have his hand on your butt groping and massaging. Touching your breast or coming up and bumping into you and smiling and sort of slowly moving in on your body with his pelvis area are examples as well. He did enough in public to heighten your concern real quick. I eventually did tell some people, but he was such a prominent business man and still is-- that no one knew how this could be dealt with. Basically people were afraid, he had power, he probably had the ability to make or break you, and definitely had the power and control to deny and make the accusers look like fools. I was told to let it go. Soon, I removed myself from situations that involved him.
As I'm writing this I'm remember a college professor who also attempted to come on to me and would do weird things like hide behind doors in hallways when no one was around and jump out and press me up against a wall. I knew he was a ticking time-ball as well and all the signs were there. These events were after my horrid past of abuse that I didn't remember at the time. That's when you go, "geez, is 'victim' written on my forehead????"
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Messages From God 2
This continues from my earlier post of God sitting me down and speaking specific things and scripture to me in August 2004.
God talked to me about three of His children in the Bible: Daniel, Jeremiah, and Esther.
He pointed out that Daniel did not give up on his convictions and He applied God's will to his own life and God used him where he was. Daniel also held strong to his Faith in God, and no matter what happened, Daniel would do what God says.
Although we can read this account in the bible and we can say "wow" at this man and his faith that was tested big, it is still hard in the midst of your own trials and pain. It is so hard to stay focused and even at times it’s hard to believe that "faith" even matters.
God spoke to me about Jeremiah and focused on how Jeremiah endured. Jeremiah's call shows how intimately God knows us. God valued us before anyone knew we would exist and He cared for us in the womb.That last part was important for me to hear, because my pain started in the womb and the battle for my life started in the womb. My mother did not want another baby and felt she had taken all precautions to avoid becoming pregnant. The pregnancy was not a joyous pregnancy; instead she became very depressed and lost a great deal of weight in her pregnancy. The womb did not provide the warmth, health, and care that a fetus needs. God and Satan battled over my life. My God was fighting for me before I was even born. That does bring some encouragement to me to know God's undying love. After birth mom would remain depressed and our relationship did not start the way it was designed. She withdrew and eventually baby Tammy withdrew as well. During this time I would have my first experience of sexual abuse from one outside of our home.
God also shared that even when Jeremiah was tempted to give up that he didn't instead Jeremiah knew to keep going. Man, that's hard, I haven't been that strong. Jeremiah also knew that serving God does not guarantee earthly security. Anyone who has truly learned how to serve God can truly understand that statement. Pure commitment to God and following him normally includes criticism and alienation from the world at its cruelest form.
The last person God shared with me is Esther. Through her life I learned that only when our security rests on God and His unchanging nature can we face the challenges that life is to bring our way. I personally was having so much difficulty with being in the lowest of lowest pits, so it seemed, and not in control of my person and my career. I felt such a liar to continue my career and be so broken myself. As God shared about Esther, He asked a familiar question he had voiced before; "Does your security lie in possessions, position, or reputation?" Well, matter of fact it does, God, what of it? Honestly, the question ticked me off and why did he have to keep pounding me with it?? I told him--- God how ridiculous can you be? Haven't I lost enough, suffered enough, and endured enough? I haven’t had much to be proud of in my life, but now I have my calling, my career, and now it’s slipping away from me as well? Do you not remember all that I had to overcome to get here? God why do you want to be so mean? My career is the only thing that gives me any esteem at all. You are way off God, and this is unfair!
God continued sharing about Esther and pointed out this: "God has not placed you in your present position for your own benefit; He put you there to serve him." Well thank you very much Esther! But God, I'm not Esther!!!!! His next question: "Are you willing to let God be your ultimate security? Serving God often demands that you risk your own security. I have a purpose for the situation in which you are in".
That is not a statement or question you can jump through and answer quickly. It has taken a lot of soul searching. And probably like many others in the Bible, I have made small steps and giant steps in that direction and then ran back as fast as I could--- it’s a work in progress.
God talked to me about three of His children in the Bible: Daniel, Jeremiah, and Esther.
He pointed out that Daniel did not give up on his convictions and He applied God's will to his own life and God used him where he was. Daniel also held strong to his Faith in God, and no matter what happened, Daniel would do what God says.
Although we can read this account in the bible and we can say "wow" at this man and his faith that was tested big, it is still hard in the midst of your own trials and pain. It is so hard to stay focused and even at times it’s hard to believe that "faith" even matters.
God spoke to me about Jeremiah and focused on how Jeremiah endured. Jeremiah's call shows how intimately God knows us. God valued us before anyone knew we would exist and He cared for us in the womb.That last part was important for me to hear, because my pain started in the womb and the battle for my life started in the womb. My mother did not want another baby and felt she had taken all precautions to avoid becoming pregnant. The pregnancy was not a joyous pregnancy; instead she became very depressed and lost a great deal of weight in her pregnancy. The womb did not provide the warmth, health, and care that a fetus needs. God and Satan battled over my life. My God was fighting for me before I was even born. That does bring some encouragement to me to know God's undying love. After birth mom would remain depressed and our relationship did not start the way it was designed. She withdrew and eventually baby Tammy withdrew as well. During this time I would have my first experience of sexual abuse from one outside of our home.
God also shared that even when Jeremiah was tempted to give up that he didn't instead Jeremiah knew to keep going. Man, that's hard, I haven't been that strong. Jeremiah also knew that serving God does not guarantee earthly security. Anyone who has truly learned how to serve God can truly understand that statement. Pure commitment to God and following him normally includes criticism and alienation from the world at its cruelest form.
The last person God shared with me is Esther. Through her life I learned that only when our security rests on God and His unchanging nature can we face the challenges that life is to bring our way. I personally was having so much difficulty with being in the lowest of lowest pits, so it seemed, and not in control of my person and my career. I felt such a liar to continue my career and be so broken myself. As God shared about Esther, He asked a familiar question he had voiced before; "Does your security lie in possessions, position, or reputation?" Well, matter of fact it does, God, what of it? Honestly, the question ticked me off and why did he have to keep pounding me with it?? I told him--- God how ridiculous can you be? Haven't I lost enough, suffered enough, and endured enough? I haven’t had much to be proud of in my life, but now I have my calling, my career, and now it’s slipping away from me as well? Do you not remember all that I had to overcome to get here? God why do you want to be so mean? My career is the only thing that gives me any esteem at all. You are way off God, and this is unfair!
God continued sharing about Esther and pointed out this: "God has not placed you in your present position for your own benefit; He put you there to serve him." Well thank you very much Esther! But God, I'm not Esther!!!!! His next question: "Are you willing to let God be your ultimate security? Serving God often demands that you risk your own security. I have a purpose for the situation in which you are in".
That is not a statement or question you can jump through and answer quickly. It has taken a lot of soul searching. And probably like many others in the Bible, I have made small steps and giant steps in that direction and then ran back as fast as I could--- it’s a work in progress.
The Javelin
One of the most important communications I had with God was when He gave me "The Javelin". This would be in September 05 when God took me first to Joshua 8:18-19 and 8:26-28. It says: "Then God spoke to Joshua: 'Stretch out the javelin in your hand toward Ai--- I'm giving it to you.' Joshua stretched out the javelin in his hand toward Ai. At the signal the men in ambush sprang to their feet, ran to the city, took it, and quickly had it up in flames. Joshua didn't lower his outstretched javelin until the sacred destruction of Ai and all its people was completed. Israel did gt to take the livestock and loot left in the city; God's instructions to Joshua allowed for that. Joshua burned Ai to the ground. A 'heap' of nothing forever, a 'no place' --- go see for yourself. (the Message)
After those verses, God shared that was giving a "Javelin" to hold up, to fight evil, to destroy evil, and give hope. God commanded that I keep my "Javelin" held up high just as he commanded Joshua so that my past and evil will also become a "heap" of nothing forever, and a "no place".
There were two witnesses in the room when God began to give my "Javelin" to me. They can verify that prescence of God and how he began to lead me to the words that became a promise and prayer and my "Javelin.
God lead me to Isaiah chapter 43 through chapter 62. God specifically took me to the last lines in each of thoses chapters and told me to begin writing down the last lines. The following declaration comes from those scriptures.
I, the one True God, am here to tell you--- your original ancestors started the sinning. (43) But, I am God, your redeemer, who shaped your life in your mother's womb. I am the big God, the one true God who will deal with all evil. I am rebuilding you, I am raising you up, and you will be established--- whole and complete. (44) And all those who have raged against you will come before me in the courtroom of Heaven. I am givng you a new robust, praising, good life in me, the one true God. (45) I am ready and I am doing this now. Your deliverance is not a long-range plan, it is coming, it is currently in the works, and glory and salvation are coming your way. (46)
The fate of the evil ones has already been decided, the verdict is in, and the envelope is sealed. (47) For there is no peace for the wicked. (48) And because of this, everyone will know that I, God, have saved you, I-- the might one of Jacob. (49) For I have promised to take those making trouble in your life and I will hold their feet to the flames of Judgement. (50) And I your soverieign Lord, your God, has already given the cup of my wrath to your tormentors, those who have hurt you, who have ordained you to lie down on your back as they walked on you like you were dirt under their feet. (51)
But many will be in awe and taken aback for what was unheard of they will ssee with their own eyes, and what was unthinkable, they will have right before them. (52) And yet, this is what I had in mind all along, the plan has always been, for I, God, to give mysself as an offering for sin. My suffering bears life, life, life, and more life. And God's plan will deeply prosper through me. Because I do bear this pain, and carry the many burdens--- this then produces light to the ruins and I will lift you up on my shoulders as I intercede and rebuild you, my adored beloved child. (53) I, God, will see to it that everything will work out for the best, that's my decree! (54)
And now you will go out in Joy, and you'll be led into a whole and complete life. All will burst into song, clapping their hands with hearts of praise. I, God, promise no more thistles, but giant sequoias, no more thornbushes, but stately pines--- standing as monuments to I, God, as a living and lasting evidence of the most high God. (55) And tomorrow I will give you more of the same, Lets live it Up! (56)
My peace will be with you and I am healing you. The wicked are on stormbattered sea's, they can't quiet down. There is no peace for the wicked. (57) Then you will be free to enjoy I, the most high God. Oh, I will make you ride high and soar above it all. I'lll make you feast on the inheritance of ancestor Jacob. Yes, I the one true God, says so! (58)
As almighty God, this is my covenant to you, my spirit that is on you and my words that I have given you to speak are not going to leave your mouth, nor themouths of your children, nor the mouths of your grandchildren, you will keep repeating this words of mine and you will not stop says, I, the God most high. (59) I am God, and at the right time, I'll make all this happen. (60)
You will be recognized at once as the child I have blessed. You will sing joy and explode in praise from deep in your soul. I will clothe you in a suit of salvation and a robe of righteousness, and I the master, highest God, will bring righteousness into full bloom and put praise on display before all. (61) The zion will be called new names: Holy People, God Redeemed, Sought-Out City-Not-Forsaken. (62)
I, God on high, loves your dearly my adored, beloved child. And I the one true God declares all the above SO!!!
After those verses, God shared that was giving a "Javelin" to hold up, to fight evil, to destroy evil, and give hope. God commanded that I keep my "Javelin" held up high just as he commanded Joshua so that my past and evil will also become a "heap" of nothing forever, and a "no place".
There were two witnesses in the room when God began to give my "Javelin" to me. They can verify that prescence of God and how he began to lead me to the words that became a promise and prayer and my "Javelin.
God lead me to Isaiah chapter 43 through chapter 62. God specifically took me to the last lines in each of thoses chapters and told me to begin writing down the last lines. The following declaration comes from those scriptures.
I, the one True God, am here to tell you--- your original ancestors started the sinning. (43) But, I am God, your redeemer, who shaped your life in your mother's womb. I am the big God, the one true God who will deal with all evil. I am rebuilding you, I am raising you up, and you will be established--- whole and complete. (44) And all those who have raged against you will come before me in the courtroom of Heaven. I am givng you a new robust, praising, good life in me, the one true God. (45) I am ready and I am doing this now. Your deliverance is not a long-range plan, it is coming, it is currently in the works, and glory and salvation are coming your way. (46)
The fate of the evil ones has already been decided, the verdict is in, and the envelope is sealed. (47) For there is no peace for the wicked. (48) And because of this, everyone will know that I, God, have saved you, I-- the might one of Jacob. (49) For I have promised to take those making trouble in your life and I will hold their feet to the flames of Judgement. (50) And I your soverieign Lord, your God, has already given the cup of my wrath to your tormentors, those who have hurt you, who have ordained you to lie down on your back as they walked on you like you were dirt under their feet. (51)
But many will be in awe and taken aback for what was unheard of they will ssee with their own eyes, and what was unthinkable, they will have right before them. (52) And yet, this is what I had in mind all along, the plan has always been, for I, God, to give mysself as an offering for sin. My suffering bears life, life, life, and more life. And God's plan will deeply prosper through me. Because I do bear this pain, and carry the many burdens--- this then produces light to the ruins and I will lift you up on my shoulders as I intercede and rebuild you, my adored beloved child. (53) I, God, will see to it that everything will work out for the best, that's my decree! (54)
And now you will go out in Joy, and you'll be led into a whole and complete life. All will burst into song, clapping their hands with hearts of praise. I, God, promise no more thistles, but giant sequoias, no more thornbushes, but stately pines--- standing as monuments to I, God, as a living and lasting evidence of the most high God. (55) And tomorrow I will give you more of the same, Lets live it Up! (56)
My peace will be with you and I am healing you. The wicked are on stormbattered sea's, they can't quiet down. There is no peace for the wicked. (57) Then you will be free to enjoy I, the most high God. Oh, I will make you ride high and soar above it all. I'lll make you feast on the inheritance of ancestor Jacob. Yes, I the one true God, says so! (58)
As almighty God, this is my covenant to you, my spirit that is on you and my words that I have given you to speak are not going to leave your mouth, nor themouths of your children, nor the mouths of your grandchildren, you will keep repeating this words of mine and you will not stop says, I, the God most high. (59) I am God, and at the right time, I'll make all this happen. (60)
You will be recognized at once as the child I have blessed. You will sing joy and explode in praise from deep in your soul. I will clothe you in a suit of salvation and a robe of righteousness, and I the master, highest God, will bring righteousness into full bloom and put praise on display before all. (61) The zion will be called new names: Holy People, God Redeemed, Sought-Out City-Not-Forsaken. (62)
I, God on high, loves your dearly my adored, beloved child. And I the one true God declares all the above SO!!!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Uniforms
When it comes to men in uniforms, I have no respect. My friends out there who have family members in uniforms please do not take this personally. It is not targeted at the person in the uniform, but it is the uniform.
Men in uniforms are a trigger for me, and it really gets specific to police uniforms primarily. Understanding and remembering this memory really was helpful a few years ago. I have known for a long time that I despised uniforms, and could not even look at a police uniform. But I never knew why, just knew that I carried a lot of anger towards them.
The memory always remains in your brain, but when it is a repressed memory-- then it is not easily accessed, but the trigger still remains very accessible. This can cause some very disturbing and confusing times in your life.
For many years, since high school, I have wanted to beat the crap out of a police officer. Seeing a police officer boiled up inside me all types of rage. It was a very weird feeling and didn't go along with my personality. Let me remind you that I was a very quiet child, and quite the loner. I wasn't the one getting in trouble or breaking the rules, I was the goody-two shoes. So this rage that would boil inside me was so inconsistent with who I was.
My parents saw this reaction a couple of times and were shocked. My parents and I can recall one of those times happening at our home. We lived across the street from an Elementary school and close to a main road in Ada. The school had parking across from us and it was common for police officers to pull offenders over in that parking lot.
One evening this happened, and I saw the lights and I went out on our front porch and was outraged. I started yelling and screaming at the police telling them how stupid they were and all they could do was hurt people and they needed to leave people alone. I was in high school and my parents commanded me to stop, but it was as if I never heard them. Eventually my dad had to physically pull me back in the house and then of course I got the verbal lashing of my life. Of course, I could not explain why I had just done this, but I could verbalize that I hated police officers and that made my parents very angry as well. Now, knowing my memories and story it all makes sense. My parents wish they could have known that then, but none of us did, the memories were hidden.
In college, I spent a lot time just driving around by myself. I was so deep in hurt, but didn't know why. Driving around alone seemed to help, unless I saw a police officer. I would purposely try to make myself look suspicious, I wanted an officer to pull me over and just give me the littlest reason to smack him in the face. I have daydreamed of being able to just kick, beat, and hit an officer until I could not hit anymore.
Now I know some of my memories, while it hasn’t changed my feelings about uniforms, it did change the response at times. Instead of wanting to beat up a uniform, I would go into a sobbing state and beg any officer I came into direct or indirect contact to not hurt me and literally became that scared little 5 year old. Yes, flashbacks really do work that way and it is very difficult to experience. At the same time you are still the adult experiencing every feeling, emotion, and action of the emotion. If it is a flashback that happened when you were 6 months old, then you feel and act like a 6 month old. It is not an empowering experience and I often felt so "crazy" and inept. It also is difficult because you don't know when a flashback is going to happen and most people are not compassionate as you experience one. Therefore you isolate yourself even more trying to avoid having a flashback in the public eye.
It’s all quite sad. Here is a person that has already experienced an enormous amount of abuse and experienced it alone, and now she is experiencing it all over again, and normally alone because the world is very harsh, very unforgiving, very unwilling to understand, very busy, and very demanding. But to find healing, one must walk through the memories, or find healing through death and I totally understand why many chose the latter route instead.
Now that I have already came through many of the dark days of living through the memories and I walk in new light, I can say I'm glad to have walked through those memories for myself, for my daughter, for my family, and for the many others that God may chose to use my experience to encourage them as well. But I must say it has been pure hell, I have paid greatly for things that I didn't cause or ask for. The price has been big!
I may have walked through this memory of uniforms, but I still do not like uniforms. I keep those thoughts to myself and do not share that with my daughter. My daughter loves uniforms. She is the one that wants to run up and hug the uniforms and I have allowed that and endured that for her to have a healthy view. It is not easy, but it is a must, and I have found that I can overcome many things if it involves my daughter--- of course she always has to come first.
My uniform sexually abused me as a little girl at 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.... years of age. My uniform used his gun and placed it by my head as he abused. My uniform made sure I knew he had all the control and power. My uniform was brazen enough to do the abuse under the same roof with my parents in the house. My uniform bought things for me as forms of control. My uniform is no longer alive and can no longer hurt anyone else. My uniforms punishment has found him in eternity--- He is not mine to punish. Therefore, I have not and will not say my uniforms name, his family does not deserve to be punished.
I still don't like uniforms, they make me feel mad. I still would love to beat up on a uniform for all the hurt it created. I still have to forgive the uniform, but all healing comes in time.
Men in uniforms are a trigger for me, and it really gets specific to police uniforms primarily. Understanding and remembering this memory really was helpful a few years ago. I have known for a long time that I despised uniforms, and could not even look at a police uniform. But I never knew why, just knew that I carried a lot of anger towards them.
The memory always remains in your brain, but when it is a repressed memory-- then it is not easily accessed, but the trigger still remains very accessible. This can cause some very disturbing and confusing times in your life.
For many years, since high school, I have wanted to beat the crap out of a police officer. Seeing a police officer boiled up inside me all types of rage. It was a very weird feeling and didn't go along with my personality. Let me remind you that I was a very quiet child, and quite the loner. I wasn't the one getting in trouble or breaking the rules, I was the goody-two shoes. So this rage that would boil inside me was so inconsistent with who I was.
My parents saw this reaction a couple of times and were shocked. My parents and I can recall one of those times happening at our home. We lived across the street from an Elementary school and close to a main road in Ada. The school had parking across from us and it was common for police officers to pull offenders over in that parking lot.
One evening this happened, and I saw the lights and I went out on our front porch and was outraged. I started yelling and screaming at the police telling them how stupid they were and all they could do was hurt people and they needed to leave people alone. I was in high school and my parents commanded me to stop, but it was as if I never heard them. Eventually my dad had to physically pull me back in the house and then of course I got the verbal lashing of my life. Of course, I could not explain why I had just done this, but I could verbalize that I hated police officers and that made my parents very angry as well. Now, knowing my memories and story it all makes sense. My parents wish they could have known that then, but none of us did, the memories were hidden.
In college, I spent a lot time just driving around by myself. I was so deep in hurt, but didn't know why. Driving around alone seemed to help, unless I saw a police officer. I would purposely try to make myself look suspicious, I wanted an officer to pull me over and just give me the littlest reason to smack him in the face. I have daydreamed of being able to just kick, beat, and hit an officer until I could not hit anymore.
Now I know some of my memories, while it hasn’t changed my feelings about uniforms, it did change the response at times. Instead of wanting to beat up a uniform, I would go into a sobbing state and beg any officer I came into direct or indirect contact to not hurt me and literally became that scared little 5 year old. Yes, flashbacks really do work that way and it is very difficult to experience. At the same time you are still the adult experiencing every feeling, emotion, and action of the emotion. If it is a flashback that happened when you were 6 months old, then you feel and act like a 6 month old. It is not an empowering experience and I often felt so "crazy" and inept. It also is difficult because you don't know when a flashback is going to happen and most people are not compassionate as you experience one. Therefore you isolate yourself even more trying to avoid having a flashback in the public eye.
It’s all quite sad. Here is a person that has already experienced an enormous amount of abuse and experienced it alone, and now she is experiencing it all over again, and normally alone because the world is very harsh, very unforgiving, very unwilling to understand, very busy, and very demanding. But to find healing, one must walk through the memories, or find healing through death and I totally understand why many chose the latter route instead.
Now that I have already came through many of the dark days of living through the memories and I walk in new light, I can say I'm glad to have walked through those memories for myself, for my daughter, for my family, and for the many others that God may chose to use my experience to encourage them as well. But I must say it has been pure hell, I have paid greatly for things that I didn't cause or ask for. The price has been big!
I may have walked through this memory of uniforms, but I still do not like uniforms. I keep those thoughts to myself and do not share that with my daughter. My daughter loves uniforms. She is the one that wants to run up and hug the uniforms and I have allowed that and endured that for her to have a healthy view. It is not easy, but it is a must, and I have found that I can overcome many things if it involves my daughter--- of course she always has to come first.
My uniform sexually abused me as a little girl at 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.... years of age. My uniform used his gun and placed it by my head as he abused. My uniform made sure I knew he had all the control and power. My uniform was brazen enough to do the abuse under the same roof with my parents in the house. My uniform bought things for me as forms of control. My uniform is no longer alive and can no longer hurt anyone else. My uniforms punishment has found him in eternity--- He is not mine to punish. Therefore, I have not and will not say my uniforms name, his family does not deserve to be punished.
I still don't like uniforms, they make me feel mad. I still would love to beat up on a uniform for all the hurt it created. I still have to forgive the uniform, but all healing comes in time.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Messages from God
I have struggled so much during these YEARS of healing, yes- years!! Many people read what I write and think it is my current situation, but it is not so. I am writing what has evolved over the past several years in an effort to educate, to encourage, providing hope to those who may need it, and to take the next step of "release" in my own life and grasp on to a new or different future for my life. If I am to speak publically one day, then it only makes sense to begin writing about my experience in preparation of what "will be".
I have been somewhat sadden that some have seen my writings as negative or staying stuck. That is not my heart or goal as I write this blog. To communicate my story- means I will share the unfortunate and yuck of my past. But I do not live in my past. The past comes up and presents itself through memories from time to time and I have to face and deal with those memories to take the next step of healing.
Most of the time, I really do feel fortunate with experiencing this healing journey. I don't feel fortunate to have experienced the terrible acts done to me, but the journey has taken me to new relationships with my Master and Healer, the One True God, Himself!
Today, I'm going to share from one of those experiences and times with the One True God. I speak of God as the One True God, because he is the only "ONE TRUE GOD". The witches/cult and Satan have tried to instill other messages. As I have progressed through breaking those holds it has been important to identify God as the "One True God" and not allow old messages to play upon different gods. It’s complicated and difficult to explain, but cults/witches play off of confusion and brainwashing-- so it is a continuous battle to make my alliance clear and break any alliance that the cult/witches desired to have in my life. The good news is they don't have much hold anymore and I can recognize the messages they present. Satan tries every avenue and game possible and usually presents the same tactics, he is not very creative. Satan usually attacks relationships and causing confusion, lies, and breakdown within relationships. Satan attacks my finances, and uses people and things to remind me of the past abuse. These types of things some time ago would cause me to spiral down but now it’s just more of a frustration and irritation. I have learned that I can't spent time trying to fight his games, instead of-- I have to stay grounded in God's word and call the game for what it is-- Satan and his lies.
It hasn't been easy to get to this level of strength. The stronger I would get, the stronger Satan would attack. Sometimes I wanted to call it quits and let Satan win, because it seemed inevitable. Thank goodness for the few true friends and prayer warriors I had in my life. I could always call upon them to go to battle with me.
One of my personal battles has been accepting the order of events in my life. I have shared before that I have had issue with when God decided to reveal my past to me. In my somewhat perfect world, it makes sense that I would have known of my past before college, before seminary, before my career. In my human head, it seems I would be a more credible person if the events happened in that order. Instead I have felt that all credibility, integrity, and trust that others may have had--- has now been destroyed from the mixed up order of events.
A few years ago, in August 2004, I was emotionally and physically exhausted from the ongoing battle in my life. It was a Saturday and I sat crying out to God to just release me from all of this and give me peace even if that meant my death, just give me peace!
God had been very real and verbal during this journey. He directed me to sit down and listen as He began to speak scriptures to me and thoughts and questions that went along with those scriptures.
God started with two tough questions: 1. Why would you think you would return to the self before? You will never be who you were. As your hurts are healed, and soon become whole, you will be a new person, better, stronger, and prepared to serve like never before. Those are tough words to hear. I didn't want to hear those words either. Did God not see the successful counseling career I was having??? Did God not see how all this "junk" was destroying everything I had worked so hard for?? How could a loving God even say those words??
Question 2: Why have you limited your ministry to one way, one label? I plan to do many things with and through you. Sure you do, is it your plan to make me look like an idiot, incapable, sick, out of control, crazy and a complete piece of trash, other words, worthless?
God continued... I first will give some scripture to you on giving up: 1 Corinthians 9:25 "Everyone who goes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever." Tammy, sometimes you have to give up something good to do what I, God, wants to do.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 "Therefore do not lose heart. Though OUTWARDLY we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is UNSEEN. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is ETERNAL. Tammy, renew your commitment to serving Me. Don't forsake your ETERNAL reward because of the INTENSITY of today's pain. Your very WEAKNESS allows the resurrection Power of Christ to strengthen you moment by moment.
Job 6:8-10 "Oh that I might have my request that God would grant what I hope for, that God would be willing to crush me, to let loose his hand and cut me off!! Then I would still have this consolation-- my joy in unrelenting pain that I had not denied the words of the Holy One." Tammy, Job in his grief, wanted to be freed from discomfort and to DIE. God did not grant his request, He had a greater plan for him. Trust me; I will take care of you.
Psalm 13:1-6 "How Long O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me. Look on me and answer, O Lord My God. Give light to my eyes or I will sleep in death. My enemy will say I have overcome him and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love. My heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me" Tammy, through prayer you can express your feelings and tell ME, as David did, I will help you regain perspective and give peace.
Tammy, read this scripture on dependence. 2 Corinthians 1:8-10 "we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in Asia. We were in great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even our life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the surface of DEATH. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hopes that He will continue to deliver us." Tammy, you cannot help yourself, You simply must rely on Me.
Determination-- Luke 9:51: As the time approached for Him to be taken to Heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem." Tammy, I knew I would face persecution and death, but was determined to go. That kind of resolve should characterize your life when God gives you a cause of action, move steadily toward the destination, no matter what potential hazards await you there.
Strength-- Judges 7:2 "The Lord said to Gideon, 'You have too many men for me to deliver Midian into their hands. In order that Israel may not boast against me that her own strength has saved her' " Tammy, self-suffiency is an enemy when it causes you to believe that you can do it on your own. Recognize the danger of fighting in your own strength. You can be confident of victory only if you put your confidence in Me, your God.
Luke 4:3f "The devil said to Him, 'if you are the son of God, tell this stone to become bread' " Tammy, often humans are tempted not through their Weaknesses, but through their Strengths. All of your strengths are God's Gifts, you must dedicate those strengths to Me, and My service.
Hebrews 12:12 "therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees". Tammy, although you may not feel strong enough to push on to victory, you will be able to accomplish it as you follow Me and draw on My strength. Then you can use your growing strength to help those around you who are weak and struggling as well.
That is all I will share of that day on this blog for now, I will share more later on.
I have been somewhat sadden that some have seen my writings as negative or staying stuck. That is not my heart or goal as I write this blog. To communicate my story- means I will share the unfortunate and yuck of my past. But I do not live in my past. The past comes up and presents itself through memories from time to time and I have to face and deal with those memories to take the next step of healing.
Most of the time, I really do feel fortunate with experiencing this healing journey. I don't feel fortunate to have experienced the terrible acts done to me, but the journey has taken me to new relationships with my Master and Healer, the One True God, Himself!
Today, I'm going to share from one of those experiences and times with the One True God. I speak of God as the One True God, because he is the only "ONE TRUE GOD". The witches/cult and Satan have tried to instill other messages. As I have progressed through breaking those holds it has been important to identify God as the "One True God" and not allow old messages to play upon different gods. It’s complicated and difficult to explain, but cults/witches play off of confusion and brainwashing-- so it is a continuous battle to make my alliance clear and break any alliance that the cult/witches desired to have in my life. The good news is they don't have much hold anymore and I can recognize the messages they present. Satan tries every avenue and game possible and usually presents the same tactics, he is not very creative. Satan usually attacks relationships and causing confusion, lies, and breakdown within relationships. Satan attacks my finances, and uses people and things to remind me of the past abuse. These types of things some time ago would cause me to spiral down but now it’s just more of a frustration and irritation. I have learned that I can't spent time trying to fight his games, instead of-- I have to stay grounded in God's word and call the game for what it is-- Satan and his lies.
It hasn't been easy to get to this level of strength. The stronger I would get, the stronger Satan would attack. Sometimes I wanted to call it quits and let Satan win, because it seemed inevitable. Thank goodness for the few true friends and prayer warriors I had in my life. I could always call upon them to go to battle with me.
One of my personal battles has been accepting the order of events in my life. I have shared before that I have had issue with when God decided to reveal my past to me. In my somewhat perfect world, it makes sense that I would have known of my past before college, before seminary, before my career. In my human head, it seems I would be a more credible person if the events happened in that order. Instead I have felt that all credibility, integrity, and trust that others may have had--- has now been destroyed from the mixed up order of events.
A few years ago, in August 2004, I was emotionally and physically exhausted from the ongoing battle in my life. It was a Saturday and I sat crying out to God to just release me from all of this and give me peace even if that meant my death, just give me peace!
God had been very real and verbal during this journey. He directed me to sit down and listen as He began to speak scriptures to me and thoughts and questions that went along with those scriptures.
God started with two tough questions: 1. Why would you think you would return to the self before? You will never be who you were. As your hurts are healed, and soon become whole, you will be a new person, better, stronger, and prepared to serve like never before. Those are tough words to hear. I didn't want to hear those words either. Did God not see the successful counseling career I was having??? Did God not see how all this "junk" was destroying everything I had worked so hard for?? How could a loving God even say those words??
Question 2: Why have you limited your ministry to one way, one label? I plan to do many things with and through you. Sure you do, is it your plan to make me look like an idiot, incapable, sick, out of control, crazy and a complete piece of trash, other words, worthless?
God continued... I first will give some scripture to you on giving up: 1 Corinthians 9:25 "Everyone who goes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever." Tammy, sometimes you have to give up something good to do what I, God, wants to do.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 "Therefore do not lose heart. Though OUTWARDLY we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is UNSEEN. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is ETERNAL. Tammy, renew your commitment to serving Me. Don't forsake your ETERNAL reward because of the INTENSITY of today's pain. Your very WEAKNESS allows the resurrection Power of Christ to strengthen you moment by moment.
Job 6:8-10 "Oh that I might have my request that God would grant what I hope for, that God would be willing to crush me, to let loose his hand and cut me off!! Then I would still have this consolation-- my joy in unrelenting pain that I had not denied the words of the Holy One." Tammy, Job in his grief, wanted to be freed from discomfort and to DIE. God did not grant his request, He had a greater plan for him. Trust me; I will take care of you.
Psalm 13:1-6 "How Long O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me. Look on me and answer, O Lord My God. Give light to my eyes or I will sleep in death. My enemy will say I have overcome him and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love. My heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me" Tammy, through prayer you can express your feelings and tell ME, as David did, I will help you regain perspective and give peace.
Tammy, read this scripture on dependence. 2 Corinthians 1:8-10 "we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in Asia. We were in great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even our life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the surface of DEATH. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hopes that He will continue to deliver us." Tammy, you cannot help yourself, You simply must rely on Me.
Determination-- Luke 9:51: As the time approached for Him to be taken to Heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem." Tammy, I knew I would face persecution and death, but was determined to go. That kind of resolve should characterize your life when God gives you a cause of action, move steadily toward the destination, no matter what potential hazards await you there.
Strength-- Judges 7:2 "The Lord said to Gideon, 'You have too many men for me to deliver Midian into their hands. In order that Israel may not boast against me that her own strength has saved her' " Tammy, self-suffiency is an enemy when it causes you to believe that you can do it on your own. Recognize the danger of fighting in your own strength. You can be confident of victory only if you put your confidence in Me, your God.
Luke 4:3f "The devil said to Him, 'if you are the son of God, tell this stone to become bread' " Tammy, often humans are tempted not through their Weaknesses, but through their Strengths. All of your strengths are God's Gifts, you must dedicate those strengths to Me, and My service.
Hebrews 12:12 "therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees". Tammy, although you may not feel strong enough to push on to victory, you will be able to accomplish it as you follow Me and draw on My strength. Then you can use your growing strength to help those around you who are weak and struggling as well.
That is all I will share of that day on this blog for now, I will share more later on.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
The process, a Blog by Tammy
Part of the difficulty with this healing process is all the unknowns. The first difficulty comes with not having access to the memories until adulthood. I have spent a lot time doubting my own memories. Up through adulthood, I would have explained my life as strict, but pretty much a "leave it to Beaver" life. To wake up one day and begin having vivid flashbacks and memories of a different past was very difficult for me to accept. I internally scolded myself for dredging up such thoughts. I could not figure out why I would want to blow things out of proportion. I also was afraid to tell anyone what was going on inside of me. I didn't want to be categorized as some "drama" queen. Also, for a long time, I was very concerned about what my family would think and how they would respond to my bizarre remembering.
Every memory was foreign to me, although some of them seemed right or to make sense. I also felt incredibly guilty for remembering people in my life doing terrible things to me. I would cry out to Jesus asking Him why I was being such a bad person and having these memories. This is one of the times in this process that I felt very suicidal. It seemed it would be easier to just get out of this world, escape the memories, and escape feeling like I was a bad person. At that point, Hell itself felt like a better option than life on earth.
What I didn't know at the time, is that I was actually going to have to cycle through the whole "grief" process as I began to heal. Having the memories come forward was experiencing a"death" itself. I was finding out that my "ideal" life was dead. Now, I was at a crucial point, would I begin the process or would I just join death?
The first stage of the grief process is shock and denial. That was me, I was in total disbelief that what I was remembering was truly my life. I also didn't want to remember my life. I liked how my life was going and I didn't want all of this interruption. I felt I had made it this long without knowing, so why now?? It seemed the only thing my memories were accomplishing-- was messing up my current life. Plus, I'm the professional, "me", I'm the counselor, I'm the one helping others and now my life is falling apart in the middle of my profession.
The next stage is pain and guilt. As the memories began to flow, I had to see and feel emotionally and physically the memory all over again and multiple times. So, when I'm having a flashback about a moment of abuse, I was truly feeling it physically again. It is terrible! Thus another reason for not wanting to stick around on this earth. I kept thinking, "I have lived it once and now I get to experience it all over again and again, and again, and again." The memories don't come at "my timing", they come when they decide. It probably is something that triggers a memory, but it is so, so hard. I could be in Target and feel fine and then what seemed out of the blue I could go into a full panic attack mode and not be able to breath, feel as if I was about to pass out, and be at the extreme end of Fear.
Sometimes a memory would only express it self in the emotional and physical sense as described above about Target and would lack the images. Other times it would be the whole bag of goods. The other side is dealing with the guilt of feeling I have done terrible things wrong. I have always been of the mindset of waiting to have sex until I was married. Now, I'm finding out the sexual abuse I have experienced and seeing the images in my head all the time. I felt so wrong, so guilty, so dirty and so unworthy. For a long time I took the blame for those incidents, I could not place it on the perpetrator. First, I felt guilty for just having the memory. Then I felt guilty for having the memory about that person and feeling I was trying to make them a bad person and thus I began to feel like an outright "liar". I often felt guilty for being such a bad child and thus another reason to validate suicide. If I die, then my family, and the world could be rid of me, the "bad child".
It didn't matter that the abuse started as an infant in the crib, with my adult mind, I could not get in touch with the reality of how little I was. The phase went on for a long time as well as stage one in the grief process and brought about so much chaos and pain that I had to make a crucial decision to give up my counseling practice for a time.
Giving up my counseling profession was a huge blow in itself. No one said I had to, in fact, colleagues who I worked with and knew what I was dealing with, really didn't want me to take that step. I know they were afraid that without my daily work that I might actually take a plunge towards suicide. At the same time, I knew my past was interfering with my work. I could not longer give my clients 100% of me and I was having a few flashbacks during some sessions. At that very time, I was working with some clients who had experienced severe abuse as well.
It would prove to be some of my most difficult days after giving up my role as a counselor. Suicide would seem stronger and more of an option. I felt I had been stripped of everything good. I also felt like the biggest failure that had ever lived. Waking up day to day was my only success. It was an ego crusher as well, I had a great professional career and now I felt like a damaged, worthless, piece of nothing.
Phase three of grief is anger and bargaining. You have to understand that grief stages are not steps, they are interchangeable and many stages can function at the same time. My anger is high, and frankly I'm not totally through the anger part, its tough. At the beginning, my anger was strictly directed at myself and definitely at God. I was not far enough in the process to channel any anger at Satan himself, eventually I have come to that place, but it took a long time.
I yelled, kicked and screamed at God for choosing to put me in this place. I felt if He was truly the God of all things then He was doing a lousy job and possibly should be fired. How could He bring me to this place in my life and then allow all Hell break loose. How could He watch person after person abuse me, and How could He allow all this and still say He loves me, that was a JOKE!
I am finally at a point where I don't get mad at myself as often. I finally can distinguish that I was a child that deserved none of this. Honestly I still get mad at God at times, but not as much. More importantly I have began to channel my anger in the right directions at Satan and name him as the offender.
The next stage of grief is depression, reflection, and loneliness. Most certainly, I still operate in and out of this stage. Not by choice, it is simply part of the healing process, it is part of what must happen to get to the end. I like how one writer put this stage, she said that just about the time that your friends think you should be getting over things, then a sad reflection of what was, and the loss overtakes you. She says this is a normal stage of grief and not to let well wishers try to talk you out of this stage. If you don't finish this stage, mostly like you will just bury the emotions and go on, for only later to have it come up again.
At this stage their are really no appropriate words people can give you, but having a support system is vital. The majority of people don't know how to support, especially the Church. The problem with the church is they get so caught up in using all the cliches: "god is in control", "just pray", "it will be better", "you just have to trust him", "other people have it worst","just let it go", "read the bible" or then the inevitable fashion of quoting scripture. It isn't that any of this is wrong or bad--- it just doesn't help at that time and place. A person has to go through the grief stages with ANY kind of loss and if I or anyone else cling on to the "cliche" then we might not get through the healing process.
Often the church acts as if we are suppose to be on a higher ground and not prone to stages of grief, OR if we are prone, then it needs to go through a quick process, OR if it can't go through a quick process--- please just put a smile on your face and act as if it is gone. There comes a point where you can't fake it anymore. If you do continue to fake, then you will probably miss out on many of God's blessings or in my case, you come close to the door of suicide.
What blows me away about people not accepting other peoples stages of grief is that we see people in the bible living and walking through the stages of grief. Jesus himself went through the stages of grief before His death on the cross and he went through them more than once, I don't know that he went through them all, but He was sinless and perfect and even Jesus experienced the stages of grief.
In the garden we find him praying out to God in excruciating pain, sadness and sorrow. In Matthew 26:38 He crys out: "This sorrow is crushing my life out". Then He fell on his face and prayed, "My Father, if there is ANY way, get me out of this". Here we find him already experiencing maybe some denial and definite pain. He goes back out to check on the disciples and He shows anger and outrage to them, "Can't you stick it out with a single hour? and He even called them lazy. He went back to pray, "Father, if there is no other way (you hear the desire of bargaining) than this", "if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done". He was still obedient, but there is a reflection of reluctance.
He came back and found the disciples asleep again, this time he just let them sleep and went back to pray. When I read that, I relate that to the grief stage of depression, reflection, and loneliness.You begin to understand that no one truly knows how you feel, it seems that no one will truly chose to hang out with you and support you fully, it feels that your situation isn't really pressing or important to anyone else and that's when you truly see you are all alone, on your own, and everyone else is going to go on with life. This is a terrible and lonely feeling. So Jesus didn't even bother with them, he walked away and prayed again for the same things. It had to be so devastating and frustrating to know that the people He considered closest to him would not even be able to support him for one night, and His "last" night with them on earth.
As Jesus was carted off by the soldiers He seemed to get in a stage of acceptance, working through what was ahead, and gained some strength and hope back as he stood strong. But even for our perfect Jesus, that didn't last. On the cross He experienced these common, but deep emotions of pain, shock, and anger. He said, "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?" Oh, abandonment is such a deep, dark, pain ridden hole. I understand abandonment and it seems hopeless. I, too have cried over and over, "why God, why God have you abandonment me, why did you allow this to happen, why, why, why".
People can be very harsh and judgmental on the above and I don't understand why. I have been crucified by peoples words for moaning the whys, Yet, my Jesus did it. So if your reading this just out of interest, please allow yourself to get comfortable with people feeling that God has abandonend them. Instead of lecturing, question, or criticizing--- just love them and let them feel what they need to feel. Ask Jesus to help you gain that sensitivity so you can learn to minister and be there for others. If your reading this because you are going through your own journey--- then know its okay to ask Jesus why, and to cry out those deepest cries of abandonment, because my friend--- He definitely understands!
So right at the end, Jesus was still in the midst of the stages of grief. Jesus, God's son, who was perfect, who really understood this wasn't the end, but the beginning, and who really knew He would live again. Yet, he still experienced the deep human emotions and I am so thankful for Him giving us that example and showing us that perfection still comes with emotion.
My healing has modeled a lot of what I see in the bible with Jesus. I go in and out of the grief stages. One part of my past might completely go through all the stages and heal. There are some many parts of the abuse not healed and not all of it can be healed at once.
I have reached the stage of what some define as "reconstruction and working through" (they list it before the stage of acceptance). I have been there where I seem more functional and can see clearly and realistic ways to get through this and at times feel quite excited at seeing an end in sight. But because I'm dealing with so much sexual abuse and ritual abuse, things can quickly change and turn as I began to have a new memory or new situation to deal with. This is probably what makes it hard for people to continue to support. I think at times to the outside world it looks like your trying to purposely wallow in your own pain. Oh, the world doesn't know how badly you dream of the day where pain doesn't exist.
Triggers can also set things back. Triggers are anything that is most likely associated with the abuse and the trigger can be a noise, a smell, a touch, and it could be something you see or just sense. As far along as I am in my healing process, I still experience triggers. Just a couple of weeks ago I experienced a very traumatizing trigger. People coming up on me from anywhere without warning can send me into shock or a frozen fear state. One of my abusers use to do that to me when we were around family. I could be in a bedroom and he would appear from behind the door and silently laugh with an evilish grin. Obviously he was making sure his control was reinstated over and over. Therefore I can be jumpy or easily scared.
I was coming home in the afternoon a couple of weeks ago and was on the phone with my sister. My sister was already at home but she was still in the garage and I didn't know that. I pulled completely in the garage and was about to put the car in park when she tapped on my window. I went into full blood curdling screaming and could not stop and could not get focused on that it was just my sister. I could not move and continued to scream and cry. This particular incident had me in a startled mode the rest of the evening. It was like re-living the abuse from years ago but in modern day time. Of course my sister felt horrible and yet I was so distraught there was nothing I could do at the time to relieve her of the feelings she was having. Those triggers don't come on me as often or as strong as they once did, but I want people to understand that I still experience them at times and they can be debilitating.
One abuser did a great deal of tickling to tire me out . To this day, if you come up to tickle me, jab me, or any of the above, I am likely to react and slap the crap out of you. At this point in my life it is just an automatic reaction. I don't like tickling and I don't like to tickle others. Sometimes my triggers have obviously been from sight or sense. In the beginning days of this, I couldn't spend much time in a store. I experienced such panic attacks for no apparent reason that I could see, but they were so strong and shut me down--- all I knew is something in my sub or unconscious recognized something that became a reminder of the past. My home town is still very much of a trigger to me this very day. I still have little will power or desire to go there. That is where the ritual abuse occurred and I think there still isn't enough healing to deal with what went on in that town. Ritual abuse comes with so much unknown since we don't have a written record of curses and words spoken over me.
The last stage of the grief process is acceptance and hope. Hmmm! Acceptance??? Can't say I really have that one, can't say I honestly want to accept my past as of yet. I guess I have accepted small parts of it and I think that is the only possible way you can walk through this. Hope on the other hand, the majority of the time I truly maintain a lot of hope these days. God has personally given me a lot of promises and I see they can truly come true. Just being able to write on this blog is the evidence of God's promises and an increase of Hope!
People who have been abused or in abusive situations need your help and your patience. It will take a great deal of patience on your part as you support. But I truly believe in the end you will be blessed. Thank you, thank you, thank you to those few who have chosen to stick with me and fight it out with me. Those of you who couldn't, that's okay, but I pray you will be willing to try it with next person you know going through difficult times. Those of you who chose to oppose me, I pray one day your eyes will be opened and you will see.
Every memory was foreign to me, although some of them seemed right or to make sense. I also felt incredibly guilty for remembering people in my life doing terrible things to me. I would cry out to Jesus asking Him why I was being such a bad person and having these memories. This is one of the times in this process that I felt very suicidal. It seemed it would be easier to just get out of this world, escape the memories, and escape feeling like I was a bad person. At that point, Hell itself felt like a better option than life on earth.
What I didn't know at the time, is that I was actually going to have to cycle through the whole "grief" process as I began to heal. Having the memories come forward was experiencing a"death" itself. I was finding out that my "ideal" life was dead. Now, I was at a crucial point, would I begin the process or would I just join death?
The first stage of the grief process is shock and denial. That was me, I was in total disbelief that what I was remembering was truly my life. I also didn't want to remember my life. I liked how my life was going and I didn't want all of this interruption. I felt I had made it this long without knowing, so why now?? It seemed the only thing my memories were accomplishing-- was messing up my current life. Plus, I'm the professional, "me", I'm the counselor, I'm the one helping others and now my life is falling apart in the middle of my profession.
The next stage is pain and guilt. As the memories began to flow, I had to see and feel emotionally and physically the memory all over again and multiple times. So, when I'm having a flashback about a moment of abuse, I was truly feeling it physically again. It is terrible! Thus another reason for not wanting to stick around on this earth. I kept thinking, "I have lived it once and now I get to experience it all over again and again, and again, and again." The memories don't come at "my timing", they come when they decide. It probably is something that triggers a memory, but it is so, so hard. I could be in Target and feel fine and then what seemed out of the blue I could go into a full panic attack mode and not be able to breath, feel as if I was about to pass out, and be at the extreme end of Fear.
Sometimes a memory would only express it self in the emotional and physical sense as described above about Target and would lack the images. Other times it would be the whole bag of goods. The other side is dealing with the guilt of feeling I have done terrible things wrong. I have always been of the mindset of waiting to have sex until I was married. Now, I'm finding out the sexual abuse I have experienced and seeing the images in my head all the time. I felt so wrong, so guilty, so dirty and so unworthy. For a long time I took the blame for those incidents, I could not place it on the perpetrator. First, I felt guilty for just having the memory. Then I felt guilty for having the memory about that person and feeling I was trying to make them a bad person and thus I began to feel like an outright "liar". I often felt guilty for being such a bad child and thus another reason to validate suicide. If I die, then my family, and the world could be rid of me, the "bad child".
It didn't matter that the abuse started as an infant in the crib, with my adult mind, I could not get in touch with the reality of how little I was. The phase went on for a long time as well as stage one in the grief process and brought about so much chaos and pain that I had to make a crucial decision to give up my counseling practice for a time.
Giving up my counseling profession was a huge blow in itself. No one said I had to, in fact, colleagues who I worked with and knew what I was dealing with, really didn't want me to take that step. I know they were afraid that without my daily work that I might actually take a plunge towards suicide. At the same time, I knew my past was interfering with my work. I could not longer give my clients 100% of me and I was having a few flashbacks during some sessions. At that very time, I was working with some clients who had experienced severe abuse as well.
It would prove to be some of my most difficult days after giving up my role as a counselor. Suicide would seem stronger and more of an option. I felt I had been stripped of everything good. I also felt like the biggest failure that had ever lived. Waking up day to day was my only success. It was an ego crusher as well, I had a great professional career and now I felt like a damaged, worthless, piece of nothing.
Phase three of grief is anger and bargaining. You have to understand that grief stages are not steps, they are interchangeable and many stages can function at the same time. My anger is high, and frankly I'm not totally through the anger part, its tough. At the beginning, my anger was strictly directed at myself and definitely at God. I was not far enough in the process to channel any anger at Satan himself, eventually I have come to that place, but it took a long time.
I yelled, kicked and screamed at God for choosing to put me in this place. I felt if He was truly the God of all things then He was doing a lousy job and possibly should be fired. How could He bring me to this place in my life and then allow all Hell break loose. How could He watch person after person abuse me, and How could He allow all this and still say He loves me, that was a JOKE!
I am finally at a point where I don't get mad at myself as often. I finally can distinguish that I was a child that deserved none of this. Honestly I still get mad at God at times, but not as much. More importantly I have began to channel my anger in the right directions at Satan and name him as the offender.
The next stage of grief is depression, reflection, and loneliness. Most certainly, I still operate in and out of this stage. Not by choice, it is simply part of the healing process, it is part of what must happen to get to the end. I like how one writer put this stage, she said that just about the time that your friends think you should be getting over things, then a sad reflection of what was, and the loss overtakes you. She says this is a normal stage of grief and not to let well wishers try to talk you out of this stage. If you don't finish this stage, mostly like you will just bury the emotions and go on, for only later to have it come up again.
At this stage their are really no appropriate words people can give you, but having a support system is vital. The majority of people don't know how to support, especially the Church. The problem with the church is they get so caught up in using all the cliches: "god is in control", "just pray", "it will be better", "you just have to trust him", "other people have it worst","just let it go", "read the bible" or then the inevitable fashion of quoting scripture. It isn't that any of this is wrong or bad--- it just doesn't help at that time and place. A person has to go through the grief stages with ANY kind of loss and if I or anyone else cling on to the "cliche" then we might not get through the healing process.
Often the church acts as if we are suppose to be on a higher ground and not prone to stages of grief, OR if we are prone, then it needs to go through a quick process, OR if it can't go through a quick process--- please just put a smile on your face and act as if it is gone. There comes a point where you can't fake it anymore. If you do continue to fake, then you will probably miss out on many of God's blessings or in my case, you come close to the door of suicide.
What blows me away about people not accepting other peoples stages of grief is that we see people in the bible living and walking through the stages of grief. Jesus himself went through the stages of grief before His death on the cross and he went through them more than once, I don't know that he went through them all, but He was sinless and perfect and even Jesus experienced the stages of grief.
In the garden we find him praying out to God in excruciating pain, sadness and sorrow. In Matthew 26:38 He crys out: "This sorrow is crushing my life out". Then He fell on his face and prayed, "My Father, if there is ANY way, get me out of this". Here we find him already experiencing maybe some denial and definite pain. He goes back out to check on the disciples and He shows anger and outrage to them, "Can't you stick it out with a single hour? and He even called them lazy. He went back to pray, "Father, if there is no other way (you hear the desire of bargaining) than this", "if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done". He was still obedient, but there is a reflection of reluctance.
He came back and found the disciples asleep again, this time he just let them sleep and went back to pray. When I read that, I relate that to the grief stage of depression, reflection, and loneliness.You begin to understand that no one truly knows how you feel, it seems that no one will truly chose to hang out with you and support you fully, it feels that your situation isn't really pressing or important to anyone else and that's when you truly see you are all alone, on your own, and everyone else is going to go on with life. This is a terrible and lonely feeling. So Jesus didn't even bother with them, he walked away and prayed again for the same things. It had to be so devastating and frustrating to know that the people He considered closest to him would not even be able to support him for one night, and His "last" night with them on earth.
As Jesus was carted off by the soldiers He seemed to get in a stage of acceptance, working through what was ahead, and gained some strength and hope back as he stood strong. But even for our perfect Jesus, that didn't last. On the cross He experienced these common, but deep emotions of pain, shock, and anger. He said, "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?" Oh, abandonment is such a deep, dark, pain ridden hole. I understand abandonment and it seems hopeless. I, too have cried over and over, "why God, why God have you abandonment me, why did you allow this to happen, why, why, why".
People can be very harsh and judgmental on the above and I don't understand why. I have been crucified by peoples words for moaning the whys, Yet, my Jesus did it. So if your reading this just out of interest, please allow yourself to get comfortable with people feeling that God has abandonend them. Instead of lecturing, question, or criticizing--- just love them and let them feel what they need to feel. Ask Jesus to help you gain that sensitivity so you can learn to minister and be there for others. If your reading this because you are going through your own journey--- then know its okay to ask Jesus why, and to cry out those deepest cries of abandonment, because my friend--- He definitely understands!
So right at the end, Jesus was still in the midst of the stages of grief. Jesus, God's son, who was perfect, who really understood this wasn't the end, but the beginning, and who really knew He would live again. Yet, he still experienced the deep human emotions and I am so thankful for Him giving us that example and showing us that perfection still comes with emotion.
My healing has modeled a lot of what I see in the bible with Jesus. I go in and out of the grief stages. One part of my past might completely go through all the stages and heal. There are some many parts of the abuse not healed and not all of it can be healed at once.
I have reached the stage of what some define as "reconstruction and working through" (they list it before the stage of acceptance). I have been there where I seem more functional and can see clearly and realistic ways to get through this and at times feel quite excited at seeing an end in sight. But because I'm dealing with so much sexual abuse and ritual abuse, things can quickly change and turn as I began to have a new memory or new situation to deal with. This is probably what makes it hard for people to continue to support. I think at times to the outside world it looks like your trying to purposely wallow in your own pain. Oh, the world doesn't know how badly you dream of the day where pain doesn't exist.
Triggers can also set things back. Triggers are anything that is most likely associated with the abuse and the trigger can be a noise, a smell, a touch, and it could be something you see or just sense. As far along as I am in my healing process, I still experience triggers. Just a couple of weeks ago I experienced a very traumatizing trigger. People coming up on me from anywhere without warning can send me into shock or a frozen fear state. One of my abusers use to do that to me when we were around family. I could be in a bedroom and he would appear from behind the door and silently laugh with an evilish grin. Obviously he was making sure his control was reinstated over and over. Therefore I can be jumpy or easily scared.
I was coming home in the afternoon a couple of weeks ago and was on the phone with my sister. My sister was already at home but she was still in the garage and I didn't know that. I pulled completely in the garage and was about to put the car in park when she tapped on my window. I went into full blood curdling screaming and could not stop and could not get focused on that it was just my sister. I could not move and continued to scream and cry. This particular incident had me in a startled mode the rest of the evening. It was like re-living the abuse from years ago but in modern day time. Of course my sister felt horrible and yet I was so distraught there was nothing I could do at the time to relieve her of the feelings she was having. Those triggers don't come on me as often or as strong as they once did, but I want people to understand that I still experience them at times and they can be debilitating.
One abuser did a great deal of tickling to tire me out . To this day, if you come up to tickle me, jab me, or any of the above, I am likely to react and slap the crap out of you. At this point in my life it is just an automatic reaction. I don't like tickling and I don't like to tickle others. Sometimes my triggers have obviously been from sight or sense. In the beginning days of this, I couldn't spend much time in a store. I experienced such panic attacks for no apparent reason that I could see, but they were so strong and shut me down--- all I knew is something in my sub or unconscious recognized something that became a reminder of the past. My home town is still very much of a trigger to me this very day. I still have little will power or desire to go there. That is where the ritual abuse occurred and I think there still isn't enough healing to deal with what went on in that town. Ritual abuse comes with so much unknown since we don't have a written record of curses and words spoken over me.
The last stage of the grief process is acceptance and hope. Hmmm! Acceptance??? Can't say I really have that one, can't say I honestly want to accept my past as of yet. I guess I have accepted small parts of it and I think that is the only possible way you can walk through this. Hope on the other hand, the majority of the time I truly maintain a lot of hope these days. God has personally given me a lot of promises and I see they can truly come true. Just being able to write on this blog is the evidence of God's promises and an increase of Hope!
People who have been abused or in abusive situations need your help and your patience. It will take a great deal of patience on your part as you support. But I truly believe in the end you will be blessed. Thank you, thank you, thank you to those few who have chosen to stick with me and fight it out with me. Those of you who couldn't, that's okay, but I pray you will be willing to try it with next person you know going through difficult times. Those of you who chose to oppose me, I pray one day your eyes will be opened and you will see.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Important information
Before I get to far on this Blog I do want to make one thing clear at the beginning so no one has to wonder??? My father did not commit any of my sexual abuse. My parents were not really aware that I was being harmed sexually or ritually.
Now that everything has come out and my memory exposed, my parents have sadly looked back and now can identify "red flags" and "warning signs". They have gone through their own mourning, grief, and healing as they have learned what I experienced as a child. I have full support of my parents and my sister as I have gone through this process. I also have their full support as I begin to write down and share my past. My parents are fully aware and accepting that there are some negative things that I will share about my past that will involve them and they give their support and thumbs up in my moving forward and allowing God to help our whole family move to the next stage in life God has for us.
My mom and sister contend that I will be the next Beth Moore, at this point, I just want to survive, write some of this down and maybe attempt some "SMALL" group talks in the future. I appreciate their belief and support of and in me!
My Blog will not go in order of events. I have chosen not to put that type of pressure on myself. I plan to blog when God seems to call me to this page and will blog about whatever He leads me to share. That is the only way that this even seems "do-able".
Now that everything has come out and my memory exposed, my parents have sadly looked back and now can identify "red flags" and "warning signs". They have gone through their own mourning, grief, and healing as they have learned what I experienced as a child. I have full support of my parents and my sister as I have gone through this process. I also have their full support as I begin to write down and share my past. My parents are fully aware and accepting that there are some negative things that I will share about my past that will involve them and they give their support and thumbs up in my moving forward and allowing God to help our whole family move to the next stage in life God has for us.
My mom and sister contend that I will be the next Beth Moore, at this point, I just want to survive, write some of this down and maybe attempt some "SMALL" group talks in the future. I appreciate their belief and support of and in me!
My Blog will not go in order of events. I have chosen not to put that type of pressure on myself. I plan to blog when God seems to call me to this page and will blog about whatever He leads me to share. That is the only way that this even seems "do-able".
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