Long before I remembered my past, I had counseled many victims. Counseling those who have suffered much abuse and been of victim of violence can be very challenging and frustrating. At times I wanted to yell-- "quit being a VICTIM!!!" Rising above those circumstances you were given, you were dealt, and often had no choice but allow is a very hard, long, bumpy journey. I have come to understand that during abuse there is a true brainwashing that "tags" the victim mentality deep in you brain and soul and there isn't a easy cure.
I don't believe anyone wants to be a victim but I do believe that victims are easy targets for abuse in all sorts of situations. The abusers and even the bully's see the signs and behaviors and know who to call on as their "victim". Unfortunately, the victim does not have the clarity to see the signs of the abuser---- until its too late.
There are three abuse incidents that I have always remembered and my family also knew about not long after they happened. These happened when I was a little older and were not repressed.
The first happened when I had a paper route. There was a neighborhood convenience store that I often went to on my route. A older man owned the store and was always giving me free items from the store. It wasn't a red flag for me, because I often had people give me tips(money) on my paper route. Then came the day that he had a plan and I came close to becoming his victim. For the first time, his back room door was open and I could see a bed in the room and thought nothing off it. On this day, he told me to get a free bag of chips, as I paid for my drink, He asked me to give grandpa a hug, as I did, he pulled me close and put his hand down my shirt and pants and began to rub. He probably didn't expect my reaction, since I was very shy, but I went into panic mode and fought him off dropping all the items and ran out of the store as fast as I could and hid. I sat sobbing and so frightened that he would follow me. Eventually, I pulled myself back together and finished my paper route. A few days later the store closed without warning and the man was gone and it was then when I shared with my parents what he had done. My parents felt bad, but didn't follow up with the police or anything-- our family doesn't like to stir up trouble and instead endures the circumstances.
Dating was never something I felt comfortable with in High School and didn't do a lot of it. In college though, I did go on quite a few dates with guys that I met at the Baptist Student Union. My naive self was convinced that it would be a safe place to meet only "good" guys. For the most part it was, but it only takes "one" to spoil it. I was surprised this guy would even notice me, not only was he cute, but he was a "jock" and a "main" athlete at the college. When he asked me out, I accepted. The evening was to consist of a movie and dinner. We had a nice dinner and then were off to the movie when I realized we were not driving the right direction. I began to ask questions and he said we had some time before the movie. He drove to a park and parked the car where there were no lights and locked the doors and began to force himself on me as I fought and started to cry asking to be taken home. He managed to force- open mouth kissing and put his hands in my pants-- it was so frightening. He was stronger and muscular and I was an averaged size girl and obviously he could have his way. Finally, he seemed to be mad, stopped, and took me home. Once again, it was sometime before I told my family, and sadly we chose to do nothing about it. My parents did not want to be seen as a family who caused problems.
The last incident would happen during my college years as well. A very prominent Ada business man old enough to be my dad, or maybe granddad would be the next to attempt to take advantage of me. He was very good at and I know he has done this to others, and I'm sure he has done worse to others. One of his ways was to stand beside you in a business situation when talking to others and have his hand on your butt groping and massaging. Touching your breast or coming up and bumping into you and smiling and sort of slowly moving in on your body with his pelvis area are examples as well. He did enough in public to heighten your concern real quick. I eventually did tell some people, but he was such a prominent business man and still is-- that no one knew how this could be dealt with. Basically people were afraid, he had power, he probably had the ability to make or break you, and definitely had the power and control to deny and make the accusers look like fools. I was told to let it go. Soon, I removed myself from situations that involved him.
As I'm writing this I'm remember a college professor who also attempted to come on to me and would do weird things like hide behind doors in hallways when no one was around and jump out and press me up against a wall. I knew he was a ticking time-ball as well and all the signs were there. These events were after my horrid past of abuse that I didn't remember at the time. That's when you go, "geez, is 'victim' written on my forehead????"
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