Opening Day

Well, here we are.......time to finally begin this blog. I have had this blog page and name for some time. I have just been waiting for the right timing to begin sharing my journey. This moment comes with mixed feelings. There is some excitement and relief to feel ready for this step, but it still comes with apprehension and concern. I have shared my journey with a few people before and often people are not welcoming and some people run away or end contact with myself or even my family. I don't quite understand that reaction, unless it is because of some hidden trauma in their life. It has been amazing to see how few people can embrace someone hurting emotionally and hurting emotionally from events that they did not cause. It seems so much easier for people to walk along someone with a physical illness, rather than emotional pain.

Please know, my heart goes out to any reader with physical or emotional pain. We live in a very fast paced society and the majority of society, well, my experience has been the majority of churches and Christians expect people to deal with emotional pain in that "fast paced" action. Anyone who is or who has dealt with emotional pain, be it grief, abuse, dependency, depression, etc... knows not only is it impossible for one to heal at a fast pace, it would also be a detriment. Why a detriment? Because the correct attention will not be given to the pain and thus most likely some pain would still be covered up and unresolved.

I have not found my support and care in the places I expected to. I think many people could attest to that whether dealing with emotional or physical pain. It seems that in our hardest times, we see who truly are our friends and family. It never fails to shock me and I never fail to feel outraged. May not be the correct response, but it is so hard for me to grasp how people I thought knew me best, were really not willing to know me at all. At the same time I am left in awe as I meet the people who truly and honestly want to support and love me. The support field is normally a fairly small number and the ones walking away are usually a rather large number. Therefore, usually I take way to long being devastated at what has left me instead of what has opened their arms for me. I wish I would learn to do that differently.

I guess it is so devastating, especially in my journey, because "rejection" has been a large component of my pain. The other large component of my pain is "injustice". I have had a huge amount of injustice done to me since birth and frankly, I'm tired of it. I have tried to fight the "injustice" over and over because I don't want to give into it anymore!!! Yet, in my best efforts to fight it, I find myself swallowed up by it all over again. I hope that as my past and pain is healed, that I will find the grace to change that as well.

It is actually a recent "rejection" and "injustice" that has finally compelled me to begin this blog that has been setting here waiting on me for so long. This past week I had a large blow of someone I have thought the world of, great respect for, someone I have considered a mentor, a man of God, a person of honor, and more importantly for me personally, a "human man" who I valued his opinion and I valued his respect. He sent a crushing blow with a message that said I didn't have his respect, friendship, or care. Actually, this was not the first time he has sent such a message. I have lived so blindly and have given so many excuses for him in the past because I didn't need another "man", "father figure", or "man of God" to reject me. I fought hard for the acceptance, but he is unable to give it. Most likely, he is unable to give it to anyone. But that doesn't matter, because for now, I feel like I am the only one he chooses to not give it to. I have found that all these years, I have been placing value with someone who never did value me. I have spent so much time singing "his praises" and feeling so honored to be a part of his family to now realize that he didn't see me as important or a part of their lives. When he has lashed out over the years with harsh words and putting me down, I have been quick to say I'm sorry and yet I have never heard the acceptance of my words and certainly never the sorry reciprocated. Others have told me, they doubt he has ever used those words, I still want to believe differently.

So, it comes on his sharp cutting words, my tears and wails of pain, that brings me to a defining point to start this blog. It took another, not the first, but another human man hurting me to the depths of my bones for me to say "enough!". I am ready to speak, I ready to set the truth free, I am ready to trust God and begin this Journey of sharing my path. God has called me to this sometime ago and he told me I would know when it was time to begin. "I Know" and "I will". I have many people I love in the Bible and I'm so glad that David is a part of the Bible. I have days like David during this journey when I have been about as happy and high as a person can get but I have had a lot more days that I barely could get a moan out of my mouth.

You will hear me harp on the church/Christians, but that doesn't mean that I have given up on my relationship with God, it means that I will relate my experience in Truth. The church has not equipped itself to deal with emotional pain. That is the place where I and many others who have shared their journey with me, have received some of our biggest rejection and criticism. The church uses many "cliches" that really only provide a barrier from dealing with real life. I don't want my words to hurt the church, but I want it to reach the depths of other people in the church who will say "WE will not stand for this anymore", "we will be a different body of Christ", and "our church will finally be a safe haven for the hurting". If cliches are used, rejection, or the church tries to hurry up ones healing not only will the church continue to miss out on the blessing of God's healing, but the hurting individuals will miss out the most and experience deeper pain.

You know who really loves the rejection from God's people directed at hurting individuals, yes, that's right, SATAN. It is payday for him! Not only does he get the opportunity to keep the hurting to stay trapped, but he also keeps the church from experiencing some of God's greatest gifts that comes from reaching out to the downtrodden, the wounded, and the diseased. Each time Satan gets the opportunity to take a deeper hold, the more difficult any of us will have in changing or healing. Jesus spent his entire ministry reaching out to the hurting. Jesus didn't surround himself with famous people, politicians, great lecturers, or Kings/Presidents. That's why I love Jesus so much, He surrounded himself with people like me. People of no known value in society, people who had little to offer, people who were rejected for their heritage, their race. their youth, their looks, their hierarchy, their wrongdoings, and their ailments. Jesus was the same loving man from His first day on earth until His last day hanging on the cross and still loving the unloved as He allowed His words and His love reach the man on the cross next to Him.

Well, Welcome to my "opening day" of this blog. Christians I ask you to pray as I begin sharing my Journey. My journey not only involves sexual abuse, but also witches cult/satanic abuse that was a part of my childhood. I will not get off easy by sharing my journey. Satan will not be happy and curses that the cult put in play in childhood will try to be re-instated. Pray for protection around myself and my family. I cannot live in the dark anymore instead I must come into the light. I pray that this does not scare anyone who does not understand my words in this paragraph, it is not meant to scare anyone, all will be well, it just won't be easy, but it will be worth it!

Tammy