My "surface" background

Before I get going to far on this Blog, I wanted to post my "surface" background. I titled it "surface" because that is normally what we get to know about people around us, we normally see the surface, the nice, the accepted, and the prettier parts of ones life. So, here is my nice packaged life:

I was born in Ada, Oklahoma, which is a small town of mainly white, traditional and very conservative folks. There is a Chickasaw tribe with in the city limits, but paths don't cross very often, each tend to stay to their heritage ties.

I attended public school in Ada and graduated with a class of around 120. Growing up I was fairly shy and quiet. I didn't even talk to my favorite grandma until 12 years old. I was easily humiliated and embarrassed. I did love sports. I loved track, softball, basketball and in college took on a love for volleyball.

I was never at the top of my class academically. Actually I was told over and over that I was not a good student. I was often compared to my older sister by teachers and family. My sister was the straight Ace student, valedictorian, blah, blah, boring, boring, boring, well so I thought. I pretty much maintained my average status mainly because no one believed I had more to offer and neither did I. School was not a favorite time of mine. Most of the time I just wanted to hide. I already knew I wouldn't get the right answer and so I tried to avoid times of potential "humiliation".

Each year became harder as far as fitting in with others. I felt odd, thought I looked odd, and could see the words "odd" circling around my classmates heads when they looked at me. Junior High had to be worse then any detention center in the whole world, although I never was in a detention center. You would not find me in a place of getting in trouble, no not me, I was a rule follower, I was a goody two shoes, and I had a dad who I thought was God himself and there was no way that I would push the limits.

Then came High School and I'm really not sure how I made it through those years. Not only am I walking around with all of this hidden pain, but I'm really wanting to act out on the pain. I did spend most of my life being suicidal and attempting quite often in High School and college. God put some very special people in my life to help day after day go by and keep me hanging on a little longer.

I wasn't able to hang out like most high schoolers. I didn't get to go to dances because we belonged to a church that thought dancing was wrong. I grew up believing if you danced then you were destined for Hell. I also didn't get go to party's that were thrown because they probably weren't appropriate either or I didn't get invited because by then--- anyone who knew me knew I wasn't going to come. I wasn't allowed to go to my high school prom, well, you know, dancing??????

So the restraints in our household were pretty strong. I had an outside door on my bedroom and I had friends who tried to talk me into sneaking out it, but I didn't, my parents would have caught me immediately. My mom had some automatic bell that went off. Once I went out on the front porch and no more than five minutes later was she out there asking what I was doing. So, I never used that door.

The end of high school didn't end with any fireworks or happy times either. In fact, the academic counselor told me not to apply for college, that I wasn't college material and I wasn't like my sister. Boy, did that set me up for high hopes.

I had already been working a big part of my life at that time. I got a paper route when I was young, in high school I ended my paper route to begin work at Polar Bear Ashburns, and in 12th grade I ended that job to go back to the news paper office and become a proofreader. So I had the job thing down.

There didn't seem to be many other options but to try the college thing out. I didn't have to go far, just 6-7 blocks to the local college in Ada, Oklahoma, East Central University, the HOME OF THE TIGERS! And, it didn't go so well. I proved the academic counselor right, I was not fit for college.I was able to blow just about every class I took those first couple of years, and I felt like crap.

There continued to not look like there was much for me in this world. Death looked brighter every day. I hit a crisis point in my life whereI began to look at some things differently. At one point I was working three jobs: mother's day out teacher at FBC, ADA, the lovely local Burger King, and the dreaded Solo Cup. Solo cup plant is the actual plant that makes all the lovely plastic cups you use at your party's and picnics. I worked the 10pm to 6am shift. In a very noisy machine environment, I stood at a conveyor belt picking up a stack of cups and placing them on another conveyor belt for 8 hours, yuck! I get sick just thinking about it.

The good news is it gave me 8 hours for God to talk. The more He talked, the more He made a great deal of sense! He let me know that I was suppose to be in college and that He had a specific calling in my life. He also let me know that I was not the "stupid" person that I had been led to believe. He showed me how I had let the words of others set me up and thus found a way to fail at college. It was true! I had not done poorly in college because I was stupid. I had done poorly in college because I chose not to go to class or study. College was probably my little streak of rebellion, but it was way fun!

So myself and one of my good friends enrolled in almost all of our classes together-- we were so smart to do that. We looked good each day, we always were at the college campus promptly at 8am for our classes, BUT we never made it to class. For the first time I was having a little fun. We spent almost our entire time in the Student Union where they had a snack bar and checked out the GUYS. Another part of our time was hanging out in the office of the "academic counselor" on campus, he was a neat man and became our friend. Funny though, we would be in his office---ACADEMIC counselor, as we were failing our classes. So, I really didn't know if I was capable of handling a college load or not.

Well after a little time away from college and the gruelling multiple job work place and God's long talks at Solo Cup, I decided I would give God a chance to prove there was more for me in this world. It wasn't easy to re-enroll in College, in fact, I had to go to the dean of students (remember I'm a pretty shy kid) and convince them of my seriousness towards college. God also encouraged me to go and get a copy of my high school transcript as well. If you had asked me prior to seeing my transcript, I would have told you that it was mainly C's, because I had been led to believe that i was poor student. I remember that day very well when I walked in the High School and then back out to the car with my transcript. I didn't look at it until I was sitting in the car and my mouth fell open. I had a 3.3 grade average. Now, I realize that isn't a 4.0, but I had a 3.3 grade average without confidence in myself as student and no encouragement from the teaching community. I thought immediately, "what if one person had believed in me, could I have had a 4.0?"

The answer was probably so, the goods were always there, but the junk was in the way. I jumped on the college bandwagon with great determination. Making an "A" was a breeze and "B's" quickly became foreign to me. I graduated with BA in counseling and in sociology and almost a minor in American Literature and Art. I learned to love school and to this day I'm ready for some more. (I'm going to have that Doctorate one day).

During my Bachelors I took on a job at the local youth shelter to begin getting experience as a counselor and loved that job. After graduating from ECU, God made it clear that I was to start a Master's degree at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth, Texas. I entered a degree program that required you keep a minimum of a 3.5 grade average. I didn't even blink at that challenge, by this time school was a breeze. I quickly graduated with a Double Master's in Religious education and in Counseling. During my master's degree I was fortunate to begin working for Family Service a community counseling agency.

I started as a part time family counselor and at the end of my 8 years with them I was the program manager for two of their largest offices and supervising a large staff of licensed professional counselors. I enjoyed my job a lot. I loved the diversity of the client population. I also loved the room to be creative and put together some of my own programs.

My favorite program was putting together a therapeutic day camp for children and teens. The first couple of summers the program operated on the barest of means, which meant "begging". We did not charge for the camp and we didn't have funding, so off we went calling places and going door to door to get food, supplies, t-shirts, etc... donated. And somehow, it always worked.

United Way was a big funder of our agency and eventually Tarrant County United Way learned of the camp and wanted to video it and use it as a way to share with contributors some of the ways United Way was reaching the community. Out of that video being shown, it excited the staff at the corporate offices of Capital One Banks and they called asking to fund the next summer camp with 15,000 dollars. I about fainted and I also quickly agreed to come meet with them and put together an action plan. It was so much fun to give a quality program to so many needy children in the fort worth area.

The next couple of years were just as great. Eventually the Fort Worth Police department had learned of the camp and contacted me and wanted to offer us a grant to provide the camp in some of their lower income areas. The neat thing is not only did they give money, but they also offered some of their police officers to volunteer their time.

During my last year with this agency I started my road of adopting a baby. Through all the bad things in my life, one thing I had known since I was 12 years old was that I was to adopt a baby. I talked about it, and my family knew my desire.

In the great year of 2000, I felt led to begin the adoption process. I was not married and had never been married, and really didn't care if I ever was married. But I did know I was to adopt. I begin all of my certification classes, etc... and by January 2001, I had completed all the paperwork and now would await the calls. Calls came pretty quickly and overwhelmingly. The difficult piece is since I had chosen to go through the state of Texas, the majority of the calls coming through were for foster placement with the possibility of adoption. Being single, I really did not feel I could foster child after child. I would want to take time off work with each child and it would have killed my soul to immediately send them to a day care environment because I would need to work. So I continued to make it clear that I was going to wait for an opportunity to adopt.

It wasn't until August 10, 2001 that I would finally receive the call I had so longed for. I was sitting in my office at Family Service, Inc. doing my "bossly" duties when a call came around 2pm. My caseworker was ecstatic. "We have a baby for you, she was just born yesterday, she is totally 100% up for adoption. Birth mom has been in trouble with us in the past, she isn't allowed to have any of her kids and neither is her family, we already know everything about this case, do you want to do it.?" Of course, I said "yes".

Four hours later I was holding my baby girl, Alexis Claire, and I was a mommy! She was beautiful, red chubby cheeks, dark black hair and healthy, she was 9lbs 5oz and 21 inches long. My family came to Texas the next day, all of them ready to embark on their new "titles" in life of mema and papa and aunt su-sue. It was so much fun and a beautiful blessing and I started a 6 week maternity leave from my job.

All didn't stay beautiful, 3 months in, I get word that the birth mom had already chosen a family for the baby. The more I ask questions, I find out that the State knew of this all along. Not only did they know about the family, but the family was in the delivery room and the family expected to take the baby home with them that day. The state had chosen to hide this information and thinking it would all go away. But the couple had other plans and hired a lawyer and started fighting for the baby they had pledged to adopt. The state didn't have a leg to stand on and neither did I. Sadly, very sadly, at 4 1/2 months, 1 week before Christmas, I had to hand my baby girl over to another family. There are no words to explain the agony.

Devastation set in and very dark days. In the midst of this pain, I had to return to work and begin a process of laying off staff. 9/11 had affected our budget greatly and United Ways budget. A lot of people were sending their money directly to the 9/11 tragedy and we could not stay afloat. So begins the closure of a 100 year old agency in Fort Worth, Texas, and a very vital part of the community.

Wounds were so deep, but there seemed to be more, there had always seemed to be more to my story, yet I couldn't find the book that told the story. Even through my days of becoming a counselor, and through my schooling, I had inklings and questions--- but that was all. I learned things about myself that wasn't good. I remember being in one of my bachelor level counseling classes and the teacher talking about "self abuse". People who purposely hurt themselves. I had grown up hurting myself. From the time I was itty bitty, I had hit and beat the crap out of myself when I needed to cry. It seemed the only way I could find my tears. My family knew I did it, it was not a secret. My sister use to laugh at me, "go ahead and hurt yourself you stupid little girl" she would say, so I did, even harder. I was shocked to find out that wasn't "normal", not even remotely "normal".

But I never could find reasons for that or any other questions. During my seminary degree, I was a counselor for a lady's sexual abuse survivors group. I loved the group, but it was odd how familiar the words were, it was as if I had experienced something similar. But I had no memory. I decided I was having the syndrome that medical doctors get when they are going through their internships where they diagnose themselves having every illness and symptom they study. So, I would try to get rid of the thoughts.Therefore the loss of Alexis would be a small beginning of this journey of knowing who I really was.

Around 7months later after Alexis left, I received the phone call I never expected. It was from the adoptive mom. Alexis' one year birthday was soon and she wanted me to come. She began to tell me how she had read the journal I sent, and looked and read through the memory book and knew the love I had for Alexis and the hurt she had for me. As we talked, we both realize how the state had told so many lies to the both of us and we started to uncover some truth.

I really wasn't sure if I could go to her birthday. The wounds were only 8months old, but felt like yesterday. Our family had already bought presents for her, if nothing else, we could mail them. During the night before her birthday, God popped me on the head and said I needed to go to her party, He said clearly "tomorrow is not about you, it is about her". That made perfect sense, and I went. Immediately, walking into the party and seeing her in their arms, I felt an immediate healing and relief that she was okay. Adoptive mom was very gracious as she worked hard to make me an integral part of the party. It felt so good to hold that baby girl.

I began spending time with Alexis and my family also were able to be reunited and be a part of her life. She is in our life to this very day and just turned 8 years old on August 9. She calls my parents mema and papa and even has went and stayed with them on a couple of occasions.

Two months after being re-united with Alexis, I would get the next phone call that I never expected. At the time, I had kinda given up on the whole adoption idea. It felt like the biggest joke had just been played on me and it was not fun, so I didn't really desire to experience it again.
But then the phone call.......... it was adoptive mom and she had been on the phone with Alexis' birth mom. Birth mom had called to say she was pregnant again and close to having an abortion. Adoptive mom told her that they couldn't adopt another child, adoptive mom already had three children of her own. She encouraged birth mom to consider me and birth mom agreed to meet with me.

So, it had only been 10 months since I had to give Alexis to a different family, only 2 months since I had been reunited with Alexis and now there's a possible new baby??? My head was spinning and I was praying. It was so scary, but God kept saying its okay. Birth mom was already 4 months along when I entered the pregnancy. I was blessed to be at all the sonograms, doctor appts. and in the delivery room for the c-section. I was blessed to proceed with a private adoption this time and welcome Addison Grace into my life.

By Addison's birth, Alexis is only 18 months old and yes she was there at the hospital to welcome her sister into this world. It was a roller coaster of emotions during those 18 months, but in the end, it was worth every emotion. I named Addison and her name means "in God's image, full of Grace".

Addison and Alexis know they are sisters and we see each other as often as possible. Addison is such a blessing to me every day and I am so fortunate to be her mommy. Addison is now 6 years old, wow, hard to believe. Addison is one of the sweetest little girls you will ever meet. She has genuine love for every one and is so sensitive and accepting to all. She has the gift of "dance" and has been dancing since 2 1/2. She just completed her first year of competitive dance and this summer we were in Branson, MO. for her National Competition where she brought home a top 1st. Yes, it is funny that she has the gift of "dance" with all my childhood of no dance. For some reason, our family no longer has that hangup, praise the lord!

Wow, that's just some of the surface, are you afraid of what's under? I hope not, because God plans to use all of the surface and beneath for His Glory. Honestly, I haven't been able to embrace this whole journey. I still get angry at the order of events that God has placed things in. See, I still wonder why I couldn't have known about my past before all my degrees and years as a counselor. Since Family Service, I have done a number of years as a contract counselor for the Foster Care system and counseling at my church--- to then have all Hell break loose, so it felt! I don't understand why we couldn't have gotten some of this out of the way before I had a child in my life. Some people believe that my journey is part of what has given Addison so much of her sensitivity, I can't embrace that yet. I just don't like the order of events, I think it could have been organized in a much better fashion, but its too late for that.

But its still not too late for the new future. God has made it clear over the past several years that I'm to eventually begin a speaking ministry, "a speaking ministry, are you sure God?" I have asked that many times. Hmmm, speaking ministry makes no sense, I'm still very much an introvert, I hate crowds, and I don't like getting up and speaking in front of people, and I really don't want to speak about this yucky junk. But He doesn't seem to be backing off, so I'm just trying to take it day by day. And...... this blog is just the beginning, yehaw!